Finding peace in chaos

Life has been kicking my butt lately. Straightforward like that... life has been having the best of me, or at least trying.

Ended the year with a huge fight with my mom, started the year with a huge fight with my brother. All of the frustration I've been carrying for years blew up... and when I say blew up, I mean exploded. The meanest words I could say, my deepest pain, came surging out. I am not proud of the words I used and mostly not proud of the person I was for those few minutes in time, but I am human and I make mistakes. I am human and sometimes get consumed by my thoughts and my emotions... I am human and I'm learning to forgive myself for any outrage or mistake I make. Being human however is also being responsible for our own healing and growth. Unlearning deeply encraved actions and ways of surviving and replacing them with more positive, self respectful ones. It's learning and discovering new pathways and consistently applying them to our lives. It's saying no to things that we've outgrown and welcome the new.

...God is the "new" scary sometimes...

Adding to the fuel, a few days after the new year, my mom fell and had to have surgery...a different type of concern and worry appeared. I needed to start the new year focusing on others instead of continuing my path of healing and growth. I moved in with my dad for a little bit. This way I can be there if he needs me but also closer to mom's hospital and can drop in more easily.

I'm still processing everything that happened these past few weeks and still feel anxiety... but in the middle of all this agitation and uneasiness, I was able to find gratitude. Gratitude that my mom is still with us and that it could all have been worse.

Perhaps God is testing me... he knows I can strive and reemerge when everything is quiet and calm around me; now, let's see how you handle it in the face of adversity and a little chaos.

That is yet to be determined, I have yet to show and proof to myself that I can find peace in the mist of turmoil...or perhaps I am but still so much in my head and reactive mode that I haven't yet realized it.

For now, the best way I can be there for my family and for myself is by just being there... not overthink it... be there for myself, be present for my parents, show up at work, take deep breaths through the day, take care of my little puppy (he is 2 years old but always be puppy in my eyes), seen and spend time with my mom in the evening. Perhaps trow in a little prayer here and there ... but this is something to be discussed in another post.

For now, take care of yourselves and the people you love and try to find gratitude in the mist of confusion. It might be difficult and seem almost impossible at times, but I hope you are able to find it.... and may it help bring a little bit of serenity in the middle of it all.