Finding comfort in solitude

For the longest time, being by myself was synonym of loneliness, rejection and exclusion. My abandonment issue was 100% triggered and this feeling could linger on for days on end. My coping mechanism was to seclude myself even more, which often humans do... we act in accordance to our triggers. If we feel rejected, we tend to stay away from love and reject ourselves even more. If we feel overwhelmed, we will continue to be in a situation that overstimulates us in the hope that it will make us feel better. If we crave peace, we will look for other individuals to give it to us without realizing that true peace comes from within.

I've always been one that enjoyed being alone, but after being by myself for even just one day, that feeling of enjoyment would turn into abandonment very quickly.

Over the past few years I've realized that abandonment was just a state of mind and I could change how I approached it, how I would look at it and therefore change my feelings towards it. At the beginning of my deep healing journey, I had a period of over 2 months that I barely saw anyone. Family, friends and even strangers on the street. I barely left the house to the point that even one of my closest friends asked if I was mad at her. My soul knew that I needed this time to myself, that I needed to recharge, resource and eliminate all conditions that turned my into the person I wasn't deep inside. My soul was screaming at me to be alone and to let myself just be.... and for once, I listened. I allowed myself this time, I allowed my soul the space to rediscover itself... and God am I happy I did! (I say God here, because that is who I pray to, but any spiritual leader is welcome in my book, as they all represent at the basis love, compassion and understanding).

Over the past 2 years, I've been more free to be the kind and loving person that I am. Don't get me wrong, this isn't linear, there are days that I struggle and go back to my encraved old habits of bitterness, sadness and victimhood. But that feeling doesn't last remotely as long as it used to and I get myself back up and even am grateful for those moments as they make me realize what I still have to focus on (I was gonna say work on, but this isn't work, this is life.. .what we focus on is what occurs. If we feel like we have to work at life, then it will always be a struggle).

I even experienced something recently that for some doesn't seem to be a big deal, but for me is synonym of growth and learning. I've experienced a new city, in a different country, by myself and my best friend, my dog (let's call him C)! I spent the weekend exploring, resting, smiling, taking in the sun and enjoying coffee by the ocean... and C stayed right there by my side. I think he could feel my energy as well as he would play and be active when the occasion presented itself, but would stay laying down by my side when it was time for contemplating and just being.

After all these years, I can finally say that I find peace in being by myself, I find comfort in solitude.